The Sun Also Rises

I have been thinking of a new slogan:  "Empowerplus.  Putting the fun back in bipolar."  Somehow, I don't think that is the image Truehope is looking for.  But seriously, bipolar is a lot more fun these days.  These days I've been grateful for my bipolar mind.

Spring is usually a good time for me anyways.  Physically, things are still challenging, even though the protracted withdrawal is pretty minimal now.  I was in poor shape before I started Empowerplus, and 10 months of sitting on the sofa has not helped.  Mentally, though, there has been steady improvement.

Well, I have been saying that my mind has been clear since the fall, which is true, I do not think I am any sharper now than I was in November.  The difference has been in my level of engagement.  I am out taking pictures again, this forsythia is just one example of all the hopeful spring photos I've been taking.  I've signed up for a couple of art classes and I actually went, which is a major breakthrough.  I have a superabundance of project ideas, although I have been a little scattered about which one to actually focus on first.

And two days ago I was positively bathing in happy brain chemicals, without any of the usual drawbacks of hypomania like sleeplessness or irritation.  So we'll see how it goes.

I've been taking care of business, too.  I finally went to the doctor and had my blood test done.  I get the results next week.  It will be very interesting to see where my thyroid and blood sugar levels are.  My weight is exactly the same since Christmas, so no more weight loss, but no gain either. 

My biggest problem has been overdoing it.  I feel good, do a bunch of stuff, and then I am wiped out for a couple of days.  But I think that is just the process of getting my strength back.  Things are certainly looking up!

Looking Ahead

Michiel, thanks for your comment.  I thought I'd address your questions in a post rather than another comment.

I was actually looking at some job postings last week, and I came across one that would have been perfect for me before I got sick.  Product development, up and coming new company in a trendy part of town, right in the middle of my skill set.  But it didn't take me long to realize that the long hours this job would certainly entail were completely beyond me at this point.

Even beyond that, though, was the realization that I am tired of having other people profit from my ideas.  I have been thinking for a while that I need to go into business for myself, and this idea has really jelled for me this week.  I have an idea I've been tossing around, and I need to educate myself now on how to implement it.

Right now I'm setting aside an hour a day for study and research.  Frankly, even that is still hard to do.  I was in a bad mood today, and I didn't even try.  But, tomorrow is another day.  I am lucky that I have the luxury of ramping up slowly.  I'll get there.

Feeling Good

Just a quick post today, to say that I finally think I have left the majority of the protracted withdrawal behind.  I certainly didn't think it would take 10 months!  I had a bad stomach virus last week, and that gave me a couple of days of protracted withdrawal symptoms, but since then things have been pretty good.  Even the headaches are almost gone. 

The challenge now is going to be getting my strength back.  The snow and ice are all gone now, though, so I can start walking regularly again.  This weekend I went to a mall I haven't been to since before I started Empowerplus last May.  Hasn't changed at all, LOL!

Mental Landscape

I have been meaning to write for a couple of months about the amazing mental clarity I've been noticing since about November.  It was around that time that I started solving problems that had been on the back burner for years in some cases.  It seems like my insight and ability to make connections has really taken off.  I think I am thinking as well as I did when I was a teenager, before various substances entered my brain.

I have been thinking of ways to quantify that, with mixed results.  In January I did a couple of those free online IQ tests to compare with a test I did when I was really depressed several years ago.  My score was almost exactly the same.  I do remember that I was surprised that I did as well as I did when I was depressed, because they say depression can lower your score, but I don't think it did for me.

I am noticing a difference in my level of attention from before I got sick still.  When I was young I could spend all day reading a book, and I still today cannot read the same thing for more than an hour.  Things just don't hold my interest any longer.  A few years ago I did another online test to look for ADD.  I scored really high on that one, but I have since read that Bipolar and ADD have a lot of similarities.  I asked a Bipolar friend of mine to take the test too, and she scored quite high also, even though neither of us had any trouble with attention at school or work.

The key for me is really interest.  Maybe it is just a factor of getting older and not being willing to waste my time on things that don't interest me.  I have always been better at starting projects than ending them, and a hater of routine tasks, and I think that tendency is becoming more pronounced.

But, thinking about it today, I realized that I am never bored any more.  Before Empowerplus the boredom in my life was stultifying.  Now I have plenty of interesting things to think about and to do, in short increments.  I am much more engaged with life, which I guess is a sign that the depression has lifted.

My meditation practice is also going very well.  My mind settles quickly and I am finding it very refreshing. 

So, I am interested to see where things go from here.  Long time Empowerplus users report gains even one and two years into the program.  I am around 9 months now, so I am looking forward to what may be possible down the road!

Two Steps Forward...

... one step back.  I was just writing about how my IBS was totally cured, but now it is back.  I had an appointment downtown that I was not nervous about at all, but my gut went totally bananas and I was sick for a week.  I was SO frustrated!  What I said in that previous post is true, there is no doubt that it is entirely psychological.  But, I think I have figured it out, and it is mostly better now.  I am looking forward to testing it on my next appointment.

The good news is that on all other fronts there is a noticeable trend of improvement.  I now have long stretches of my day where my head doesn't hurt at all, which really is miraculous considering the addiction to OTC painkillers and rebound headaches that I probably have.  All the other symptoms - nausea, dizziness, neck and shoulder pain - are pretty much gone.  They may flare up for a day, but then they are gone again.  My energy level and motivation are improved also.  Each night I make a short "to do" list, and there is about a 75% chance that it will get done the next day now, which for me is amazing progress.

I am still sorting and cleaning out old stuff that has been untouched since I moved back here almost 7 years ago.  It is like I have been absent from my life all that time, unbelieveable that I have done so little, while during the 7 years in California I did so much!  Oh well, I know intellectually that no time is wasted and it is all grist for the mill, but there is a feeling of regret there also.  Truehope says that's one of the stages of healing.  The solution is to be forward-looking, I know, and appreciate the opportunities I have now.

Every couple of weeks I have a new exciting idea for a new business, but then I lose steam and the bloom fades off the rose.  It is still too soon, I think, for any big efforts.  Hopefully the right idea will come at the right time.

How Am I Doing?

I can't believe it's been over 3 weeks since my last post.  I've been waiting to feel better so I have good news, I guess.  Well, I am starting to feel a little better.  When I'm not screwing things up for myself.

For the past few days the protracted withdrawal has let up significantly.  Much less pain.  I felt so good I thought I could handle a cup of coffee.  I had the first cup in the evening, and I felt pretty good.  The next day I had a cup in the morning, and I felt good for a couple of hours, and then I felt awful for a couple of hours.  Repeat the next day.  Today, though, I am not sure it is the coffee causing the problems, it could be a new vitamin I started.  So today I am taking neither coffee nor the vitamin, and tomorrow I will try just the vitamin.  We shall see.

Why do I keep beating myself up with coffee?  For me, there just seems to be a big feeling of well being that comes from coffee.  I don't think it is just the caffeine, because I don't get the same feeling from other caffeinated drinks.  But if it is making me sick it is obviously no good for me.

The other good news is on the exercise front.  Since the holidays I have been walking a little more regularly, and I haven't noticed any increase in protracted withdrawal due to that.  I've also been doing some mild yoga, and that is going smoothly too.  So that is going well.  I have a lot of recovery to do on the exercise front, but hopefully if I take it gradually it will continue to go well.  Also, I think the cooler weather is a big help.

4 Surprising Things I've Learned on Empowerplus

My dad got a pacemaker last month, and it has had a surprising effect.  For years he has had a terrible phlegmy cough.  It interrupts conversations, it keeps him up at night, it is disgusting and annoying.  Many treatments - inhalers, antihistamines, decongestants - have been thrown at it without any success.  Now, since the pacemaker went in, it is just gone!  It is the most amazing thing.

It put me in mind of some surprising things I've learned since starting Empowerplus.

1. The core promise - mental illness really can be cured by vitamins!  Not just any vitamins, though.  I was taking lots of vitamins before, and I didn't get anywhere with my depression.  The magic of Empowerplus is in the proportions.
2. My weight gain wasn't my fault.  I bought into all the psychological claptrap about why I put on all that weight - I was "eating" my emotions and comforting myself with food.  As I found out early in the withdrawal process, it was the drugs that were making me overwhelmingly hungry all the time.  Drugs gone, hunger gone.
3. Anxiety really does have a chemical component.  I suppose this is related to #1, but it is surprising to me because I always thought anxiety was psychological.  I used to spend hours trying to analyze the psychological reasons for my persistent, unfocused evening anxiety episodes.  Every evening I would be anxious for no apparent reason.  Now it is gone, all my anxiety is gone.  I thought the holy basil supplements were the reason for this, but lately I have concluded that the Empowerplus is the main factor.
4. My IBS was related to my mental illness.  This is the direction IBS research has been going anyway, given the fact that there are neurotransmitters and receptors in the gut.  That's the reason I was taking Zoloft before my breakdown, which for an undiagnosed bipolar is not a good thing.  It did lead to hypomania and probably contributed to, if not caused, my breakdown.  That aside, I have been taking FermPlus since May for my IBS, which is indeed cured.  But, my experiences with the allergies this month and stopping and starting Empowerplus have shown that the Empowerplus is actually the main factor in the improvement of my IBS also.  I will keep taking the FermPlus though, for insurance.

The conclusion?  Drugs = really bad, Empowerplus = amazing!