Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Not Sad, Depressed.

I just took my dose of Risperdal for the evening and I felt a little twinge of glee. I am down to 1/2 a tablet, from 1 1/2 tablets. I can't believe that this tiny bit is all I am taking now, and I feel good! Wow, it's amazing.

My situation is a little different I think than many people's, because I don't feel sad, and I wasn't feeling sad even before I started Empowerplus. I have been thinking today, after yesterday's revelation with the symptoms of depression, that there are many ways that depression manifests. Feeling sad is only one of them, and I think I have done a good job training myself to always reach for the better-feeling thought, so that I have talked my way into a fairly mellow place. I will say that five years of therapy helped a great deal as well -- I have all my childhood issues well sorted and totally reconciled. I have an excellent relationship with my parents now.

I am straying from my topic, but as an aside I recommend therapy for anyone who can afford it. Interview different therapists until you find one you click with. I had two primary therapists, one in California and one when I moved back to Canada. In California I had insurance to cover the cost but I paid out of pocket for my Canadian therapist, it was well worth it. Both my therapists were women. I did have some sessions with men, but I found there was more of an unspoken understanding with the women. I would expect that a man would find a better connection with a man too. Both my therapists had a Ph.D. in psychology, I found the higher level of education did make a difference. I had sessions with a psychiatrist too, who was well-respected, and I liked him, but in my opinion I don't think he was as interested in the process of therapy as my psychologists were. I went into therapy with a determination to be totally honest with my therapist and with myself, and it really paid off for me.

Ok, off my soapbox. My point is that despite all this good psychological help I've had, I'm still probably depressed. Not sad, depressed. The symptoms yesterday show that -- trouble concentrating, avoiding people, low energy and the rest. It is interesting that these symptoms persist even though the sadness is gone.

Arrgh, I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. Concentration still an issue, clearly. I'll just post it and let the chips fall where they may.